SCENE 1
As the curtain rises, the warm glow of light illuminates OGARANYA’s home. He is calmly seated on the couch, his gaze fixed upon FADA, the church priest, as he exits the sitting room following a discreet meeting. In a clandestine move, ATTORNEY emerges from the guest room and quietly takes a seat in the parlour.
OGARANYA: Attorney, if you look at me very well, you will see that I am ready. I have asked questions, and everyone says you are the best in law. That is to say, I also know you are ready.
ATTORNEY: Yes, sir.
OGARANYA: I want to make a case that will shock the world. I want everyone to know about the rich man who took all the poor to court. Before you say my dream makes no sense, remember I have the money and the time. (OGARANYA drops a cow rope on the table.)
ATTORNEY: Another cow?
OGARANYA: The fattest. So, have I convinced you of my seriousness?
ATTORNEY: You definitely have, Ogaranya. But as the complainant, you are-
OGARANYA: Complain? Who is complaining? I am suing them, not complaining.
ATTORNEY: Exactly. The suer is the complainant.
OGARANYA: Oh, is he? Okay.
ATTORNEY: As the complainant, what has the poor done to the rich?
OGARANYA: Attorney, do you know the hardest part for me when I want to purchase land?
ATTORNEY: No.
OGARANYA: Make a guess. Another cow is yours to have if you guess it right.
ATTORNEY: The hardest part?
OGARANYA: That was what I asked.
ATTORNEY: It must be the part of gathering the money for the purchase.
OGARANYA: Attorney, you failed. Try again.
ATTORNEY: I am not good at guesses.
OGARANYA: But everyone knows lawyers are good at cooking up lies.
ATTORNEY: Can you defend that in court?
OGARANYA: My cow goes back to me. You failed.
(Silence.)
OGARANYA: I am waiting for you to ask me what the hardest part is.
ATTORNEY: Tell me.
OGARANYA: It is the part where an attorney is invited to prepare the land papers for the parties. Do you know that part?
ATTORNEY: Power of Attorney.
OGARANYA: That is the document. And do you even see the name? You people had to add “power” to show us how we can never do without it. You lawyers make me go through many processes just so they could justify your ten percent commission. What am I saying? Don’t stress me, attorney. I have told you that the crime of the poor is the animosity they harbour against the rich. In everything, the rich are blamed. When someone dies, the people look at the rich man in the family to be sure he has not used the person for a money ritual. When things don’t go well for someone, he is told by their prophets that it is the rich man in the community who has tied their destinies to a tree. When a woman takes in and miscarries, they will say the rich man is pounding her children for wealth. And if she had received any gift from the rich within that period, he is to blame. (Pauses). With all the things I have said, you should know how to put it on legal papers and have all the poor summoned in law court.
ATTORNEY: I know how to put it into legal language.
OGARANYA: Good. Everyone I know bore witness that you are the very best. Our working together can be described as “Money meets competence.”
(They laugh.)
ATTORNEY: So/
OGARANYA: (Aside) He has come again.
ATTORNEY: What is that?
OGARANYA: One would think that with all my long explanations, and all the meeting with Dibia and Fada, everything I have said will be understood. I didn’t know you would have any other questions.
ATTORNEY: I mean/
OGARANYA: I also heard you are well-traveled. They say you are a sage of some sort. The one who recommended you said, “The people love to hear him speak.” And I assume that when he says “people”, he means the poor because I am not too impressed.
ATTORNEY: I am saying/
OGARANYA: Name your price. I believe that is the stage of our conversation, isn’t it?
ATTORNEY: It is not.
OGARANYA: Attorney, I ga-ewedataolugi ala. You must learn to lower your voice, especially when you want to say no to me. I don’t usually hear no.
ATTORNEY: Listen, chief. I know how to put it into legal language, but do you mean you are taking all the poor masses to court?
OGARANYA: Unbelievable, isn’t it? If a case I make is not big, then I won’t make it. I am OmeIheUkwu, the doer of big things. You appear scared, Attorney.
ATTORNEY: No, I am not.
OGARANYA: You didn’t say it aloud.
ATTORNEY: I’m not.
OGARANYA: Good. If you are scared, find me a fearless attorney.
ATTORNEY: I am not scared.
OGARANYA: I believe you because I believe those who recommended you.
ATTORNEY: Yes.
OGARANYA: But if you are not scared, tell me how you will use legal words to articulate my pains as complai…
ATTORNEY: Complainant.
OGARANYA: Whatever. I hate that word. It makes me sound as if I am complaining. I am suing the poor, not complaining. I can’t complain about poor masses.
ATTORNEY: Yes.
OGARANYA: Now that you have heard my anger, tell me what you will write to the chief judge.
ATTORNEY: (Stands up, facing the audience)
Your Honour,
I am writing this correspondence to initiate a formal complaint against all individuals hailing from lower socioeconomic backgrounds who have falsely accused my client and other members of the upper socioeconomic class of perpetrating their economic destitution. I kindly request your assistance in addressing this matter and endeavoring to reach a resolution.
OGARANYA: Gbam! Ijiya. You have it right there.
ATTORNEY: I am not even done.
OGARANYA: You don’t mean it.
ATTORNEY: In my client’s capacity as an affluent member of society, he has become aware of a faction comprising economically disadvantaged individuals who have levied allegations that he, the complainant, intentionally inflicted financial hardships upon them. These accusations have significantly impacted my client’s standing in society and possess the potential to detrimentally affect the personal and professional lives of the rich in our world.
OGARANYA: Powerful. You must have been done.
ATTORNEY: I still have more rounds.
OGARANYA: Fire for fire!
ATTORNEY: The defendants have consistently disseminated unsubstantiated and groundless assertions, contending that our actions and practices bear direct responsibility for their economic struggles. They have accused us of exploiting their labor, manipulating market conditions, and suppressing wages with the intention of perpetuating our privileged positions. These allegations have been propagated without substantial evidence, relying solely on assumptions and broad generalizations.
(OGARANYA throws another cow rope to ATTORNEY.)
OGARANYA: All the places you used the phrase “upper class”, I want you to replace it with “upper echelon.”
ATTORNEY: It is done, chief.
OGARANYA: Go home and prepare the letters for the case. We shall win the duel. This is why everyone said you are the best.
ATTORNEY: On my way now, Chief.
OGARANYA: Send a copy of the letter to the media. Let them air it in all their o’clock news.
ATTORNEY: On my way now, Chief.
OGARANYA: Let the world know that I am the mouthpiece of all the wealthy men and women in the universe.
ATTORNEY: On my way now, Chief.
OGARANYA: Money meets competence.
ATTORNEY: On my way now, Chief.
(ATTORNEY exits.)
OGARANYA: The last time the world would have heard of such a case was when a man sued the State of Israel for the unlawful crucifixion of Christ. When asked why he was suing, he said, “I am suing as a friend.” The other time anyone would have heard of such a case was as far as 1933 when a man sued a tea company for serving him tea without a teaspoon. For many years, the world has been against the rich. They are to be blamed if anything happens, yet the poor claim victims when they are the oppressors. The poor masses will not even ask me why I am suing. I am not suing for a friend. I am a rich man suing for all the rich.
(A knock on the door.)
OGARANYA: Who is there? Come in.
ATTORNEY: Chief.
OGARANYA: What is the challenge?
ATTORNEY: I have come to return your cows.
OGARANYA: Return cows? Why?
ATTORNEY: I met a rich man on my way back. He said you are poor, and the poor cannot play advocate for the rich.
OGARANYA: Did he not see the six cows I gave you? Or didn’t you show him?
ATTORNEY: He saw them all, and he said he would give me seven if I returned your six. He wants me to prepare legal papers to sue you for impersonation.
OGARANYA: (Chuckles) Impersonation? Who am I impersonating?
ATTORNEY: He said that when a poor man claims to be rich, he is impersonating the rich.
OGARANYA: (Throws another cow rope to him.) I have made it seven. Go and show him I am rich enough to offer you seven cows.
ATTORNEY: Thank you, Chief.
OGARANYA: But why are you still standing there, Attorney?
ATTORNEY: I met a rich man on my way back. He said you are poor, and the poor cannot play advocate for the rich.
OGARANYA: Go and show him the seven cows you have now.
ATTORNEY: He saw them all, and he said he would give me eight if I returned your seven.
OGARANYA: (Chuckles. Throws another cow rope to him.) I have made it eight. Go and show him I am rich enough to offer you eight cows.
ATTORNEY: Thank you, Chief.
OGARANYA: But why are you still standing there, Attorney?
ATTORNEY: I met a rich man on my way back. He said you are poor, and a poor cannot play advocate for the rich.
OGARANYA: Go and show him the eight cows I have offered you.
ATTORNEY: He saw them all, and he said he would give me nine if I returned your eight.
OGARANYA: (Throws another cow rope to him.) I have made it nine. Go and show him I am rich enough to offer you nine cows.
ATTORNEY: Thank you, Chief.
OGARANYA: But why are you still standing there, Attorney?
ATTORNEY: I met a rich man on my way back.
OGARANYA: Attorney!
ATTORNEY: He said you are poor, and a poor cannot play advocate for the rich.
OGARANYA: Attorney, go and show him the nine cows I gave you.
ATTORNEY: He saw them all, and he said he would give me ten if I returned your nine.
OGARANYA: (Long pause. Throws another cow rope to him.) I have made it ten. Go and show him I am rich enough to offer you ten cows.
ATTORNEY: Thank you, Chief.
OGARANYA: But why are you still standing there, Attorney?
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: (Throws him a rope.) Eleven, Attorney!
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: (Throws him a rope.) Twelve, Attorney!
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: (Throws him a rope.) Thirteen, Attorney!
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: Can I offer you a goat in place of a cow, Attorney?
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: Or two goats to match the size of one cow?
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: You have finished my cow, Attorney!
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: How many pigs can make a cow, Attorney?
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: Attorney!
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: Attorney!
ATTORNEY: I met/
OGARANYA: Attorney!
ATTORNEY: I met a rich man who said a poor man cannot play advocate for the rich.
OGARANYA: You have finished me, Attorney!
(ATTORNEY exits but from backstage he can be heard.)
ATTORNEY: (Backstage, in a fading voice that shows distancing.)
I met…
I met…
I…
OGARANYA: (Seated on his chair, so exhausted) Attorney, more cows next year!
(Lights fade. End of play.)
Cheta Igbokwe, an MFA candidate and Graduate Instructor at the University of Iowa in the United States, earned his Bachelor of Arts in English and Literary Studies from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, where he edited The Muse Journal, Number 48. His play, Homecoming, won the 2021 ANA Prize for Drama and received a nomination for the 2023 Nigeria Prize for Literature.